|
|
Post by rlmjam on Dec 30, 2013 16:53:42 GMT
Hi. We are an adoptive couple if 3 teenagers age 18, 16 and15. We have had them for 10 years. We are going through a really difficult time at the moment without youngest AD. She has always been bossy and sometimes aggressive but has now become abusive and violent and it seems we have no control over her. This is in spite if being arrested and under YOS for 3 months after she assaulted me (am). The situation is made worse because in a moment of weakness , I snapped and slapped her..... Not hard but at the time we were having an argument outside on a cold and windy night and she was screaming on my face. This has got back to SS , I even admitted I did it because I'm at the end if my tether but although my adoption support thought it nothing to worry about someone from safeguarding who does not know me at all decided to stare CP procedures. We've had a dreadful Christmas , out AD has been moody, defiant and aggressive towards us and her siblings. She won't do anything around the house , stays up until all hours and won't get up in the mornings. She does things that she knows will annoy us and has even threatened us with making things worse. We phoned The other site on Monday and were really surprised by their response. The last time I asked for help on another matter about 3 years ago they were great and even contacted SS to ensure that the best support was in place. This time the person I spoke to was only really interested on contacting SS , in spite of the fact I'd her about their involvement, she needed to report me as well!!! I started a thread on the forum titled 'disruption' only to find out that some posts were being removed! Someone kindly Pm ed me to tell me about this site.... So here we are and I'd love to hear from anyone who had advise to offer us or who has been through a similar thing..
|
|
|
|
Post by moo on Dec 30, 2013 17:02:44 GMT
I have sent you a p.m.
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by justbserene11 on Dec 30, 2013 17:10:42 GMT
I saw your thread on the other site. I am shocked at their lack of support for you, it is obviously an extremely tough situation and has probably been compounded over the holidays. I am only one year into placement, but there is great people here and everyone is so supportive and here to help.
Sending you hugs xx
|
|
|
|
Post by daffin on Dec 30, 2013 17:13:05 GMT
Welcome to the site. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don't have any wise words as my kids are so much younger, but you have come to the right place. People here are genuinely supportive. Lots have older kids and I'm sure one of them will be along soon with advice. I know some have experienced tough times with their kids.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 19:50:43 GMT
You need to contact SS and ask for post adoption support if you haven't done already. Try not to worry about the safeguarding. They have to investigate it as standard, but unless there is evidence of continuous abuse they will not take one slap seriously. They know how hard it is parenting teenagers and that most parents have done the occasional slap. As long as DD isn't making further allegations you should be fine.
Be honest with SS, tell them how much you are struggling and ask them for help. You will have to fight for it unfortunately as nothing is given easily these days, but if they think you are likely to disrupt they will take your concerns seriously.
As you have two other children in your home they have a duty of care to them too, so if your YDD's behaviours are agressive towards her siblings they will take that into consideration too.
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Dec 30, 2013 20:32:27 GMT
We have been (supposedly) receiving adoption support for a few years now. We have been through about 10 SW's, mainly because they can't keep them.
Our current SW is very good and she recommended just noting the incident (which they have to do) but nothing else. Unfortunately EN1 is a teacher so it gets complicated. Fortunately her head is very supportive and knows what we have been going through.
Our main concern is that they will just blame our parenting and suggest parenting classes. It is the safeguarding team who are leading this and they only really have experience of families where the parents haven't got a clue. What we need is for them to engage an expert to advise on what can be done. The main thing is to get proper therapy for the troublesome ARF.
They have also made it clear that a slap is not acceptable so I don't think they have any clue as to how hard things are.
We do plan to go in all guns blazing and not give them a chance to wriggle out of their responsibilities and may have to threaten section 20 to get them to play ball.
|
|
|
|
Post by jollymummy on Dec 30, 2013 20:57:53 GMT
Hi Rimjam - I am pleased to see you have made it here. I wondered how you had got on over Xmas. So thanks for the update. If you threaten to disrupt and say that your other children are at risk of being abused SS are more likely to provide support.
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Dec 31, 2013 10:12:07 GMT
Hi jolly mummy. Thanks for your kind words. Christmas wasn't as bad as we thought but I feel like I am treading on egg shells the whole time. AD has also threatened me with making more trouble if I did not give in to her demands. In the end I offered her the phone and told her I wasn't going to out up with blackmail.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 10:43:48 GMT
Hi rlmjam,
I don't know if you have phoned the police yet when your DD kicks off? I have found the police to be very understanding and very helpful.
I am in a similar position to you, with my YDD. I don't have the CP accusations though. If your DD gets a caution from the police it might make her realise that she cannot continue to be abusive to you. If not, then you may have to press charges and she may have to have a spell in FC, until she either comes to her senses, or some proper support is put in place. You are so right when you say that no one understands unless they are living with it day in day out, and no, it's not just normal teenage angst as you have two other teenagers whom you parent sucessfully, sounds like YDD needs more specialist help to deal with her anger.
Does she write a diary by any chance? I ask, because my YDD's behaviours deterioriated over the past 3 months and I only recently found her diaries where I discovered she has been in touch with her birth family and has met one of them all unbeknown to me. Living with this huge secret was causing all sorts of mixed emotions for DD and we are currently hanging on for post adoption support and Family Futures in the new year. I just wondered if there was a possibility that your DD has done similar. It is so difficult getting a reluctant teen to open up and this is where a proper trained therapist can get the lines of communication going, but sometimes for this proper help to be forthcoming you have to let your child go into care.
Feel free to pm me if you don't want to post too much live on the open boards. Most of my posts about this are on the ASB.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 13:38:22 GMT
Will re-post Fruitcakes reply on here as having a double thread was confusing and the other one didn't really make sense.
Fruitcakes reply:-
The awful truth is that there appears to be very little out there in terms of therapeutic services for older teenagers, especially when they themselves refuse to engage. My sense is that you may have to push for a section 20 anyway, just to keep your other children safe and yourselves sane, not to mention protect your teaching career.
The fact that your daughter is firmly staying put speaks volumes. She is probably far more dependent on you than she is prepared to acknowledge, and may well come to appreciate you much more once out of your home. We found this to be the case with our son, who could not remain at home as he was putting our other children at risk. We have retained on the whole a good relationship with him, albeit with its ups and downs, and he remains an important part of our family, though cannot live with us.
The amount of power your daughter has in her current situation is not good for her. Time to say "enough" and enable her to take more responsibility for herself. This is a truly heart and gut wrenching situation: though not being at all a psychotherapeutically oriented person, I derived huge support via 18 months of counselling and more recently via CBT. These situations bring the strongest of us to our knees. Take care.
|
|
|
|
Post by peartree on Jan 1, 2014 23:12:00 GMT
Agree with the very wise fruit cake x
Hope you can start to feel alive and yourself so you can once again function
Xx
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 2, 2014 8:21:06 GMT
thanks all. As the end of the holidays approach I am trying to think about going back to work and am filled with dread.. How am I going to cope with such a demanding job with al this going on!we have had incidents of school refusal and the welfare officer has been involved so I'm now worrying that she will now see she has the poŵer to do this again. i have been ringing social services to find out about what is going on with the CP proceedings but of course , nobody is available because of the holidays..... Bet they'd all come flying out of the woodwork if it happened again!!!!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 8:48:09 GMT
Word of warning re the transfer of power. I have found since SS involvement that I as the parent have been de-moted and often undermined by SS. They say that you are still the parent and have parental responsibility when your child becomes Section 20 and is living away from home, but I have found that both my girls are calling all the shots and there is nothing I can do about it. SS give them so much choice, it actually empowers them and both my girls are now manipulating SS and carers left right and centre to get what they want. It is very hard as a parent to have to watch this and have little or no say in what is going on. This is why EDD in particular doesn't like me, because I am the only person who says no to her, everyone else pussyfoots around her and she is loving manipulating them all.  The only good thing about having a child in care, apart from the obvious break from the daily stuff, is it gives the parents time to re-group and have a break and see things from a different more neutral perspective, but be warned, it's not easy watching other people "parent" your child when you don't necessarily agree with how and why they are doing things. This is only my experience, others may have found it different, but it is just something to think about before letting her go. Hope you get some meaningful help and soon. |
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 3, 2014 1:14:01 GMT
You are right Tokoloshe. The other children are being affected and both myself and my husband are showing g serious symptoms of anxiety.she has assaulted both of her siblings on several occasions The school at one point expressed concerns about my EDD who had confided in a member of staff that things were bad at home. She is horrible to my AS who has some language difficulties and although he is 18 he cannot stand up to her either. Then there is the situation that if she won't do things, why should they. Generally they understand that this Argument can't work but it is hardly fair on them
We have an organisation called ' connecting families' working with us. They are trying to identify the issues and help us to pave a way forward. However, even though AS and EDD do suffer , they are still quite close and are not telling connecting families how she makes them feel. When things happen now, though, because if her threats, I cant do much to help... But I do remind them to tell cf about it, to write it down until they see them next week.
|
|
|
|
Post by bop on Jan 3, 2014 12:35:48 GMT
Hi rlmjam
I've not been on here for a while but we've had similar issues with our eldest DD.
Things are a little calmer now but we had a horrendous time a few weeks ago when she decided she wanted to move back to foster care along with her younger siblings - so she tried to prove we were abusive parents, continually provoking us, to the point that one Sunday evening she actually said to DH "I'm so Beep annoyed you've not hit me yet" - he's never hit her. The reality is she'd be in a residential unit not foster care if she did leave and its highly unlikely that all three would stay together, and even less likely they would return to BM (one of her fantasies).
She is just 14 and pushing the limits in every direction and not coping when we enforce boundaries - she's started smoking, maybe drinking and has swapped her friendship group for the group that are "well known" to the police. She ran off and we had to get the police out to fetch her back...every time we get to a level of acceptance, she pushes harder and does something even worse.
She made allegations against us in early December that we were hitting her and locking her up, then on New Years Day that DH was a paedo - SW came out yesterday (bank holiday here) to investigate but now she is calmer she was able to say she'd just said it in anger and there was no basis for it. We are grateful as now that is officially recorded, it actually gives us some protection against future allegations. SW made it clear that saying such things is good if there is a basis for it, but if not its a dangerous route that would be out of her control.
I can't wait for the return to school on Monday and we also have a big meeting planned with the Ed Psych, SW and other agencies in Jan, which will hopefully get us some additional support. No section 20 option up here - if she is accommodated, then its a permanent move and takes her out of our hands.
Hang on in there - I hope you can get the support you need.
Bop
PS I got a similar reaction from AUK - when I phoned to say she'd made the initial allegations, I just got that they'd have to officially record the conversation I had had with them...up to them thje local team here had been a great support, but I'm not sure I'll contact them again. Our membership is due for renewal in Feb, not sure we'll bother.
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 4, 2014 10:14:29 GMT
Interesting you should say there is no s20 I'm Scotland. We are wales and as no one is mentioning it to us here, I am wondering if the same applies... Would anyone happen to know? Don't want to look a clot by bringing it up with SS next week, only to be told it does not apply to wales!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 4, 2014 13:28:25 GMT
Thank you so much Tokoloshe. That is a great help! Now if only I could shake off this blinking cough, it's a stress thing with me but. I'm feeling really rotten and not sleeping much either!
|
|
|
|
Post by damson on Jan 9, 2014 8:21:30 GMT
Hi Rlmjam
How are you? I hope your cough is gone, and there are fewer eggshells about to walk on.
Has your sw been helping sort some plans out?
If things fall apart abruptly, it is far better to have thought ahead.
xxx D
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 9, 2014 8:54:37 GMT
Thank you Damson. I'm now off work until end if week with mega anti biotics. My YDD has calmed down a bit. I think she can see I'm really not well I have t said I think its stress related to her but I think she's aware from what her (EDD) sister says!!! Not much happening on SW side as both who are involved, one from adoption team who is supportive, other not so are not in work at the moment so nobody seems to know what is going on!!! As someone has said, they can't be too bothered or they would have been in there like a flash. There are timescales for things like this and deadlines are well overdue!
|
|
|
|
Post by kizim on Jan 9, 2014 9:02:57 GMT
get well soon rimjam. Glad to hear things are a little calmer and on holiday SW's gives you some time to recover before you are back into dealing with dd's issues. Good to see ydd has some conscience too.
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 9, 2014 9:16:34 GMT
Thank you. It is so great to get to know you all!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 17, 2014 23:54:25 GMT
Re first post in this thread! Just to let you know CP strategy meeting was this week. The result, thank goodness, was 'no further action' , but we were told there are concerns over how our family is functioning..Initially I was a bit annoyed with this comment and felt it was again a SW case of 'Blame the parent', but gave the matter some thought and will take the tact of... 'Well tell me something new... We are concerned about our family too... So what are you going to do about it?  ?' Don't think they will be expecting this one.... And will also present them with a copy a therapist sent to PASW three years ago which actually predicted this would happen if YDD did not get the support she needs. Meeting on Monday evening..and DH is working from home on Monday so he can be there too! ... Bring it on! Hopefully I will be able to relax a bit more this weekend. Went back to work this week and beginning to feel a bit more like myself again! |
|
|
|
Post by phoebe on Jan 18, 2014 1:14:50 GMT
Hope things have stayed calmer for you this week, it's really hard to access the right help, isn't it? I think you will have several problems accessing the right support. It's very unlikely that SS will refer you out of your home area for support, and they probably don't have anyone qualified to deliver the support you need in house!
Section 20 is quite a tricky one! BE very cautious - although it means joint parental responsibility, in reality it doesn't! In any dispute the SS opinion over-rides yours! My experience is of locality SW team, with no idea about attachment and trauma, believing all the nonsense and encouraging my child to make all kinds of decisions he isn't capable of! They messed it up big time and it's been a nightmare to unpick.
If you can, you'd retain more rights by arranging for regular respite rather than a S20. In the end, though, your health comes first. If you're not getting help and the situation is impossible, you will have to insist she moves out. In our case, as DS is younger, this has been a residential school. Not perfect but far better than the FC situation when we were in crisis. The placement was unsuitable, the FC would not listen or take advice. Did more harm than good!
I'd be insisting on Family Futures or similar. If your daughter will not engage, then you really have to decide if you can continue or not. The likelihood is there will be another 3-5 years of this before things start to improve as our YP are so delayed. Hormones raging and badly wired brains are not a great combination!
Should you need them, I have found a solicitor who specialises in care proceedings. Might be worth trying some legal advice re: entitlement to support? Good luck! x
|
|
|
|
Post by damson on Jan 19, 2014 19:48:53 GMT
CP concerns are like the red front door bell to social services. There are set timetables and painful attitudes for adoptive families to cope with. In a crisis, your child can go very rapidly into care and land wherever there is a placement. And if there is the faintest whiff that you are possibly part of the problem, your advice about your young person may fall on stony ground. (Throwing the baby out with the bathwater?!) Perhaps most important though, the team will have access to the placement budget, so there is money to place your child. On the other hand... Support for adoptive families has no real money attached. There are no statutory timescales and everything takes ages to arrange. Most Local Authorities are heading for financial meltdown and are almost certainly in 'respond only to a crisis' mode. It may be very hard for your LA to agree to therapy or programmed respite, as these are 'invest to save' suggestions. I'm with Phoebe in thinking programmed respite could be particularly helpful to you. It would give everyone a much clearer understanding of your child, and possibly a place to go in an emergency. Therapy could cause major fall out in your home, (should they agree it  and it happen in a timely manner.) Negotiate with vigour on Monday evening! One kindly PASW is not enough to plug the hole in the dyke, are they? |
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Jan 26, 2014 11:01:19 GMT
Meeting on Monday went as well as can be expected and it appears that SW now has the full picture and has now accepted we are not carp parents and that we need help... As does YDD. Lets hope things get moving now. A temporary programme if respite is what they are looking at. This is known as support care with trained FCS who will try to help us and YDD to get back on track. I can see things haven't got so bad for us as some on these boards so hopefully we can prevent that from happening.things not too good for me at the moment as my boss has raised concerns about my performance and I have had to step back from leadership post. I suppose its fir the best as I'm not on top of things and still not back to full health but it is still a bitter pill to swallow and Im trying hard not to resent YDD for this but its hard when she is so bitter towards me! She phoned me yesterday when I was having hair done so I put her on speaker phone.... Told her I was doing it. DH had said no to her and when I also said no she called me a whore !!! Luckily only me and 3 staff in hairdressers when I burst into tears!
|
|
|
|
Post by rlmjam on Feb 1, 2014 14:22:21 GMT
My YDD is the same. She'd be devastated if she knew I posted on here and is generally not a problem anywhere else, although school have seen what she's like with me and have tried to support me, but to no avail!!!
|
|
?' 
and it happen in a timely manner.)