|
Post by ham on Dec 30, 2013 11:16:31 GMT
As some of you know ds1 was sacked from his job which means as from the 7th Jan he will be homeless. because of his history I don't want him home.
he has been engaging with services and today a lady from a homeless charity is helping him get into supported living accommodation which is great and he would be able to access so much help ( theory and practice did spring to min).
however they will be a period when he has nowhere to live. she was asking me to have him home because he is vulnerable and liable to kill himself etc. I said no and gave my list of reasons. but why do I feel so guilty and feel as though I am being blackmailed asshe explained he would then have to make a homeless application to the council and would not be able to access the help he needs.
|
|
|
Post by shadow on Dec 30, 2013 11:27:41 GMT
would he still be on the waiting list for the supported living if he made the homeless application?
its a horrible situation to be in - if he is still on the waiting list then I would refuse to have him - I don't honestly know what I would do if it meant he would not get to access that - can you contact local homeless charities/organisations to discuss what might happen?
|
|
|
Post by moo on Dec 30, 2013 11:36:02 GMT
Hugs ham{{}} Oh ham this is bonkers.... Don't be blackmailed... You have your reasons & you are right to stick to them.... As shadow says if he stays on 'the list' in the same way as now then deffo stand firm..... Guilt trip is sooo unfair....
Good Luck.....
Xx. moo. Xx
|
|
sunnysky
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 32
|
Post by sunnysky on Dec 30, 2013 11:46:49 GMT
The trouble is these "well meaning" people who suggest things like this really don't know what it is like to live with our young people. I know and I totally understand. I have had my younger son home on several occasions when I felt really bad but never again. It doesn't work and although I feel dreadful that he can't be home I also know I can't have him here. Stick to your guns (but I do understand how dreadful you feel) what we did - atlhough it might not work for you -was to pay for b and b for our son when he was homeless until he got his accommodation. I realise this can't work for everyone (not everyone can afford it) but it kept him off the streets and I knew he was safe. But you don't want the council to know he is in b and b as if he is "street homeless" then he is more likely to get accommodation. The woman at the homeless welfare should help with this we were lucky as we had a very helpful worker at our local homeless welfare who I was able to talk to about our situation. I am not sure why applying to the council will stop him getting access to help. Can you speak to his GP if he is so vulnerable? Sometimes they can help. Thinking of you - I do know how you feel
|
|
|
Post by shadow on Dec 30, 2013 12:21:09 GMT
I am in a lesser but slightly similar position - shadette has an "identified placement" for "moving on" but still no date could be months - no support except some in house respite - and SW visits () - If I am not "willing" to have shadette at home while we wait I have to get the police to remove her under eviction and place her in emergency homeless accommodation which SS say would be absolutely the wrong thing and damaging for her
I feel placed in an impossible position - damned if I do (SS) and damned if I don't (seeing her get worse and worse) and life becoming untenable (as said by Barnardos)
so you have my empathy and a bit of understanding
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 12:21:10 GMT
No Ham do not feel guilty!
You have done more than enough for DS. He is 22 and needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and take some responsibility for his actions and he won't do that if you keep bailing him out. I know he is probably younger than his age, but he needs to start growing up.
As a vunerable adult SS will make sure he has support and he will not get this if he is living at home. They always pull the guilt card to make us Mums take them home, but you have 3 other children to think about and to keep safe as well as yourself.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Hugs to you xx
|
|
|
Post by bagpuss72 on Dec 30, 2013 13:21:16 GMT
Hang on in there Ham, do not let them black mail you. You know what is right for DS, you have lived with the fallout. If he comes home I would not trust them to keep the place promised to DS available to him as he is accomodated with you. I really feel for you,sometimes we have to make tough decisions for their own good that fill us with guilt.
Hope you find a way forward soon ((Hugs)) X
|
|
|
Post by mayan on Dec 30, 2013 14:36:30 GMT
We too were faced with this awful dilemma when our ds was 17 and I do agree with Sunnysky that it is more a case of other folk really just not getting it - after all we don't just wake up one morning and come to this conclusion - it is a heartrending situation as we are weighing the needs of one vulnerable person against others needs within the family not least to be safe. We had to stick to our position that having our ds living under our roof was simply not tenable and even though resources are scant especially for young vulnerable males we did find a solution albeit things are no doubt even tighter these days. At the time I did also try local churches as they are tapped into small schemes which may give him somewhere safe for a few nights if he would entertain this - our ds wouldn't however - even if a park bench was the alternative so sometimes you can only do so much. He eventually agreed and went to a ymca and then a sheltered small unit before renting his own place for several years. We have had some desperate times with him over the past 10 years but no matter we have stayed connected but maintained safe boundaries for all of us which I think he too appreciates as he can reflect on the more "out there" moments when he was in total chaos and the risks it would have posed to us all. Even today with is present living arrangements there are significant risks to us all but to his credit he has for the most part... boundaried himself to juggle his lifestyle choices. It isn't about rejecting him it is about recognising he needs more than you can humanly give and finding ways to support his needs as best you can - and he needs to recognise that he can make a contribution (however small it may be right now) by continuing to work with those he can get him that help - sometimes they just dig themselves in and want you to see them suffer the consequences so hold to your resolve and think small small steps.
It is unbelievably hard to watch your child go through this and to know that one word from you could make things different for them but detrimental for others in the family. There may be no perfect solutions but you can still keep the door open for him to offer help, guidance and emotional support and be his candle in the window when things are tough.
Thinking of you - look after yourself as it is a long road!
Mxx
|
|
|
Post by kizim on Dec 30, 2013 16:31:50 GMT
stay strong ham... you because you are probably more articulate and aware of your sons needs than many of the parents this worker deals with ...but she does not know what she is asking of you nor is she aware of the potential consquences. keep a mantra going on why you have to do this. xx
|
|
|
Post by damson on Jan 3, 2014 20:52:20 GMT
Dear Ham, stand your ground. You've tried and tried, and you've reached your limits. It is blackmail. On the surface it sounds reasonable, but you are not the only hostage. All your other children have a right to safety and consideration too. You are the responsible parent weighing the consequences for the family as opposed to the lady from the charity who sees only the one troubled soul. I'm with Bagpuss, you have no guarantee that any services will materialise to help if he does return. Threats to kill himself, if real, are surely ground for sectioning?
|
|