dimple
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Married Adopter
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Post by dimple on Dec 26, 2013 22:01:24 GMT
Hi to all,
We were matched to a little boy aged 13 months on the 11 of Dec. We provided LO SW with the intros book, big pictures of us and the children and christmas presents from us and the children for LO. We have found out that these haven't yet been passed to his foster carer ( I sent his foster carer a text to wish her a happy christmas and to say happy christmas to our little 1). This means he didn't have his christmas present, we know he is getting presents from his foster carer, it means he doesn't have presents from us and his new siblings. Also he hasn't seen the intros book yet or the large photographs and we meet him next Thursday. Everything was supposed to be with him well before christmas, we are really worried now as there are only 3 working before we start intros. What happens if he hasn't seen the intros book and photographs before intros? His social worker is run off her feet with work so we think we have valid worries that it won't be there in time. His foster carer also said to me that she has concerns about the intros plan, this was by text and she didn't say what concerns are, but she said that nobody has contacted her to discuss the intros plan. Our social worker is off til tomorrow but I have emailed her so she will have an e-mail about this when she gets back tomorrow.
Is this all a big problem or are we worrying too much?
Thanks,
Dimple.
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Post by gilreth on Dec 26, 2013 22:07:53 GMT
Well in our case FC got Sqk's book after ADM made her decision on Thursday (panel Monday). We met him the following Monday so it is possible to work things in a fairly short time span, A little dependent on FC who in our case had don a lot of work to prepare Sqk.
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Post by oogleschnook on Dec 26, 2013 23:08:41 GMT
Hi Dimples,
That's really disappointing for you and stress you could do without I'm sure. My gut reaction would be that the presents don't matter so much at the moment (LO will have no clue who anything is from!) but that it would be best to have at least a week or so of LO getting used to your faces/voices before intros if possible. Hopefully some FC will be along soon to say what they think... Any chance you could print out more and courier them to FC if SW don't manage in time? We just posted our photo album/DVD/talking book straight to FC to save time rather than go via SW. Hope you get it sorted and intros go well
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Post by peartree on Dec 27, 2013 6:56:07 GMT
Good morning
Hope you get hold of sw today
I think tbh giving a 13mth old a set of new family photos and presents over Christmas is going to be bad news
That child will forever associate Christmas with the wobbles of feeling unnerved and shaky They are about to loose their FC and the grief for the lo will be hard enough You really don't want every Christmas for your child's emotional state to be off the chart
I would want to wait til after Christmas and start dropping it in So eg photo and talking about it on the Friday Then intros Monday You don't drag it out and make any anxiety worse / excitement wobbles worse And it's short enough time so that littly can remember and seek out the photo again rather than tying it in With wobbly Christmas feelings when it's all different anyway
I hope the intros plan is all agreed alright today Must be an anxious time Horrid having it up in the air
But IMO it's better to wait a little longer and get the intros right if possible
Especially with a 'too busy' sw who might not be as attentive as you need ideally
Pear tree
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2013 7:52:32 GMT
Totally agree with everything PT has said.
TBH at 13months with the best will in the world, he won't have a clue what's happening anyway. At that age even if FC did give him your presents, he won't have a clue they are from you amidst all the other festivities, so I wouldn't worry too much if I were you. Even birth kids of that age don't know what's going on or who gave what, usually more interested in the cardboard box.
Try not to worry too much. You will be meeting him soon and can start your own intro's. Just take everything slowly and try not to overwhelm him. There are a lot of you for him to meet, a whole new family, and that is a lot for a LO to take in.
Best of luck. xx
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Post by nomoretears on Dec 27, 2013 12:24:09 GMT
Hi Dimples, in my LA we don't get pictures/DVD etc until decision has been ratified - have you had this or could that be what's delaying things?
You would have been advised against giving LO Christmas presents, precisely for the reasons already outlined. Better to keep them for when LO is with you.
If I had a child beginning intros on 2nd Jan I'd begin showing photos about now - so I'd chase SW if FC still hasn't got them today (or maybe ask if they'd prefer you to email a further set directly to FC if they're too busy - which they shouldn't be. A child's move should always be a priority - I've had them come in off their sick bed before now while intros are about to be underway) As LO is only 13 months however they might be thinking along similar lines to PearTree - babies aren't interested in photos much in my experience, about from chewing them! The DVD would be handy though.
I think the biggest problem I can see from your post is that FC has "concerns" about intros. I may be biased (being a FC myself) but I think the FC usually has the best idea of what will and won't suit Lo best in intros so if yours sees something wrong with the plan then there is probably something wrong with the plan! Can you send her a quick text to ask for more info? If nothing else it might help set your mind at rest.
Hope you get some answers soon, this is the wrong time of the year for added stress!
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Post by chotimonkey on Dec 27, 2013 14:03:39 GMT
Hi Before intros is such a nerve wracking time. I wouldn't worry about the christmas presents our ds is almost the same age as you lo and could not have been less interested in the unopened christmas presents he was presented with, let alone differentiate what came from FC and what came from us. Have you Had much contact with FC and do you have a reasonable relationship with her... I was wondering two things that might help 1 find out what her concerns about intros are and work with her, you both have lo best interests at heart even though you are coming from different angles... Our lo came home about a month ago and our sw gave us the dates and FC and I pretty much worked out intros between us. It gets quite complicated when you already have children as you are balancing the needs of so many at once... My FC main concern was that curious george had enough time with one key person (me) so that when he left he had the beginnings of a secure base, my dds only saw him for a littlebit of each day before he came home. I worried it would separate him from dds, but it Has really helped him feel comforted by me he felt worried and when we recently met FC for the first time after intros he clung on to me and dh for dear life... Feels like he has decided we are his security. 2 I understand why you'd feel worried about not having had any of the photos etc passed on. But we didn't do any of this for curious george, what we did instead with FC was send a series of smart phone clips/ photos to each other... We sent clips of us saying good morning and goodnight, dds sent little messages/ sang songs they were all teeny tiny clips because he was only little, she sent us lots of photos and clips and we created a kind of conversation between the children that dds could engage with and be part of... Maybe you coukd suggest this for email/ text Hope everything is ok... It's a beautiful beautiful age For a new lo
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Post by loadsofbubs on Dec 27, 2013 15:37:58 GMT
with the babies I have moved on at 10 months, 14 and 15 months old a week of the talking photo books worked well. to be sure none of them knew what was going on when shown the books, particularly the 10 month old, but once intros started even the 10 month old recognised the parents from the photos. thye all had about one week of the book before intros. one bubs, 14 month old, looked at the parents, then the photos and signed mummy/daddy, so she was well aware of them as people even if as a concept she wasn't sure. i'd prefer, as a fc, to have longer than 3 days to prep a 13 month old. but also I would have chased the photo book before Christmas, even if not sharing it til now, even if i'd had to go pick it up myself. i'd be a bit concerned about the sw being so busy she couldn't go out of her way to help this LO prep well for intros. I know children come into fc as emergencies without any of this prep and intros, but we know that this harms them, and we also know that good prep is beneficial and that it is far easier to do the prep well than to try and undo any harm from it not done well.
i'd echo the ask the fc what her concerns are about the intros, and work with her on that. I had concerns with my last set of intros and every concern was walked over by the adoption sw's and ignored, and the child has suffered some additional degree of harm (will recover but could have been avoided) as a result.
my last set of intros was for a much youger child and i'm not sure what use the book was to him, but the more tactile stuff like blankets from new home etc went down well.
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dimple
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Married Adopter
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Post by dimple on Dec 27, 2013 22:28:26 GMT
Thanks to everyone for replys.
I agree the christmas presents are not the important thing for a LO of this age, but I am annoyed about the photo books. Our SW has tried to chase this up today, but LO's SW is off and so is her boss. So books wont be with FC today for the weekend. I know a child of this age will not necessarily understand what the books are about, but it is just so annoying that they aren't doing what they are supposed to do. And also, why does the FC have concerns at this stage, LO's SW hasn't contacted her at all, that is appalling. I dont know what her concerns are, I did considered contacting her, but thought I should leave that to SW. I have raised it with our SW, who is excellent, so that should set the wheels in motion to address the FC concerns. Again this is annoying, I think the FC is very good, she is obviously experienced and on the couple of occasions we have she has been very, very pleasant. She cares about LO, he has been with her since newborn and she has raised him also with her other foster children and he is well integrated into her family. It is really bad she has just had the plan sent to her with no discussion.
Because of LO's age I have made a blanket for him which has been sent along with the book. My thinking was that the book would mean little, but if he had the blanket at the FC, he would them bring it to us, so tbh we wanted him to have this as long as possible and it to be used as much as possible.
It is just frustrating that moving a LO on does not seem to be the priority. The LA has a strange set up where the SW have to deal with care proceedings and adoption placements and just about everything else in between. LO's SW covers a huge geographical area too, I actually feel quite sorry for her, but am getting very fed up of the LA.
It seems such a shame a FC can be messed around like this and to some extent, be taken advantage of. She is going to be essential in the bridging process, and as said before there is a lot of us for LO to meet, and the FC will have to deal with any fall out from this with LO when we have all gone home at night.
But on a positive note, our SW said that intros would not be delayed even if the book etc hasn't been delivered, that was our main concern, so just cannot wait til Thursday. Cannot believe it is less than a week til we meet our little boy.
Thanks for reading my rant/moan. The advice helps a lot and gets things into prospective, in fact I used some of the advice this morning when I was speaking our SW, so thank you.
Dimple
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Post by nomoretears on Dec 28, 2013 9:40:52 GMT
Hi Dimple, your last message sounds much more positive! I hope you raise your concerns officially - FCs are messed about far too often and it often feels like we're the last consideration in a long line when it comes to intros. More particularly though i agree with your concerns about the SWs workload - and it will take complaints from people like yourself to change that. My own LA are considering bringing in a "one social worker" service for looked after children and despite protests from many people it hasn't yet been knocked on the head. I get that they need to lose X amounts of SWs to meet the ridiculous budget cuts but its at the expense of our children.
Anyway, that's my own rant so I'll stop hijacking your thread!
The blanket sounds a lovely idea by the way, I'm sure Lo will treasure it for a long time to come x
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Post by moo on Dec 29, 2013 19:27:59 GMT
Hey dimple I hope your s/w has been able to sort some of this out for you....
It is very frustrating for you as you obviously spent ages preparing all these things for your l/o....
But I think your f/c is your secret weapon... I think I would try & contact her & discover why she is concerned.... She really will have her finger on the pulse & really will know what is best for your l/o... As others have said at 13 months it is the f/c who will best prepare your l/o prolly with verbal storytelling.... It is the prep for moving on that the f/c will have the best experience to do.... She will want what is best for your l/o & will do a good job.... The rest will evolve once home... ( pressies & blanket etc)
Good Luck try not to worry.... I hope you get time to do an intro diary....
Xx. moo. Xx
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