Post by jmk on Mar 14, 2016 11:09:52 GMT
Some fantastic advice from Phoebe in reply to a member asking - "How long should leeway last after DS (4.5) comes home?).
(I have anonomised it so that it's not personal, but relevant to all new adoptive parents when bringing home an older school age child)
The very short and honest answer is - years!
You've had good advice from others already. The critical points are that DS is a baby in a big boys clothing, controlling behaviour comes from fear and consequences only work if you have the concepts of permanence, constancy and cause and effect - of which your DS has none!
I am totally in agreement that you should aim for routine, purely because it makes his day predictable and reduces his anxiety.
I have been where you are and am happy to admit I did not get it right. I followed opinion at the time and tried to encourage compliant behaviour.What Incy needs is sensory experiences which allow him to develop his attachment to you. Every time you punish him you push him away and make it harder for him to trust you to look after him, escalating his controlling behaviour. His food is one of his most important sensory experiences so far, and it's going right to his subconscious. If you start taking away some of that comfort, he may not cope. You don't punish a weaning baby for rejecting food, you keep relaxed, go back a step, then try again in a few weeks.
DS is perhaps ready for school academically but probably emotionally way off, so if you go ahead with starting F/T in two weeks expect huge fallout in future. School may well not cope - he will need a huge amount of support. If you haven't already I'd ask about theraplay. It's spot on for a 4.5 year old, all about sensory experiences and nurture.
I'd also reflect on the issue that's coming up of roles for you and DH; DS is clearly going straight into splitting, which isn't a conscious choice - it's a way for him to make sure his needs are met. You and DH need to really work at the "united front" for DS to get it and feel safe.
Don't beat yourself up - it's really hard. You just need to think that however hard it is for you, you have enough experience and emotional literacy to weather it. DS is coming at this relationship from a very dark place. He will need years to get past his distrust and trauma. You are not aiming for a compliant child, but one who knows he is loved and can reciprocate that love. Then he will be a functional human being.
Take it slowly, expect absolutely no return on your investment for a very long time. Work on sharing sensory experiences. Make sure DS has lots of transitional objects to help him keep you in mind when he is at school. Don't stress him if you don't have to. Remember little babies need to eat little and often - at with healthy snacks, every couple of hours. DS needs to be a baby before he can grow up healthy. It's best to do this now. He needs lots of gentle ryhthms in his life - familiar sounds, lots of rocking, sing song "baby" voices, exaggerated facial expressions . . .everything he has missed from birth.
Don't see it as a battle, but as a journey you are on together. You are his guide to navigate an unfamiliar world over which he has no control.This needs to be a very gentle and nurturing time for him. I'd look again at Dan Hughes and Holly Van Gulden for the right way to parent your DS.
Please forget any notion of him being "on age" yet - he won't be for a long time, and if he appears to be, he will be under enormous strain holding it together. Give him time
to regress and rebuild some positive synapses.
Good luck Phoebe x
(I have anonomised it so that it's not personal, but relevant to all new adoptive parents when bringing home an older school age child)
The very short and honest answer is - years!
You've had good advice from others already. The critical points are that DS is a baby in a big boys clothing, controlling behaviour comes from fear and consequences only work if you have the concepts of permanence, constancy and cause and effect - of which your DS has none!
I am totally in agreement that you should aim for routine, purely because it makes his day predictable and reduces his anxiety.
I have been where you are and am happy to admit I did not get it right. I followed opinion at the time and tried to encourage compliant behaviour.What Incy needs is sensory experiences which allow him to develop his attachment to you. Every time you punish him you push him away and make it harder for him to trust you to look after him, escalating his controlling behaviour. His food is one of his most important sensory experiences so far, and it's going right to his subconscious. If you start taking away some of that comfort, he may not cope. You don't punish a weaning baby for rejecting food, you keep relaxed, go back a step, then try again in a few weeks.
DS is perhaps ready for school academically but probably emotionally way off, so if you go ahead with starting F/T in two weeks expect huge fallout in future. School may well not cope - he will need a huge amount of support. If you haven't already I'd ask about theraplay. It's spot on for a 4.5 year old, all about sensory experiences and nurture.
I'd also reflect on the issue that's coming up of roles for you and DH; DS is clearly going straight into splitting, which isn't a conscious choice - it's a way for him to make sure his needs are met. You and DH need to really work at the "united front" for DS to get it and feel safe.
Don't beat yourself up - it's really hard. You just need to think that however hard it is for you, you have enough experience and emotional literacy to weather it. DS is coming at this relationship from a very dark place. He will need years to get past his distrust and trauma. You are not aiming for a compliant child, but one who knows he is loved and can reciprocate that love. Then he will be a functional human being.
Take it slowly, expect absolutely no return on your investment for a very long time. Work on sharing sensory experiences. Make sure DS has lots of transitional objects to help him keep you in mind when he is at school. Don't stress him if you don't have to. Remember little babies need to eat little and often - at with healthy snacks, every couple of hours. DS needs to be a baby before he can grow up healthy. It's best to do this now. He needs lots of gentle ryhthms in his life - familiar sounds, lots of rocking, sing song "baby" voices, exaggerated facial expressions . . .everything he has missed from birth.
Don't see it as a battle, but as a journey you are on together. You are his guide to navigate an unfamiliar world over which he has no control.This needs to be a very gentle and nurturing time for him. I'd look again at Dan Hughes and Holly Van Gulden for the right way to parent your DS.
Please forget any notion of him being "on age" yet - he won't be for a long time, and if he appears to be, he will be under enormous strain holding it together. Give him time
to regress and rebuild some positive synapses.
Good luck Phoebe x