sunnysky
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Post by sunnysky on Dec 16, 2013 12:01:13 GMT
I am so happy to have found all my old friends and possibly lots of new friends too.
Thanks to Mayan who re-directed me here (thank you dear friend) as I had no idea this is where you all were.
I am in my usual pre-Christmas sad place as we don't have a relationship with our younger son any longer after he assaulted his dad and I find this time of year incredibly difficult. His dad won't see him (which is hardly surprising) and although I will take him shopping and help him with bills he can't be a part of our family because he will not accept he has a problem. How I wish it was December 26 and I could feel ok again as I find this so tough. We are all supposed to be jolly and happy and I have to support dh but feel sorry for my son who has mental health issues but doesn't know he does. It seems worse at this time of the year as we should all be together but after all we have been through (our sons were accommodated aged 13 and 14 because of horrendous behaviours) we are lucky to be here at all I think |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 12:47:31 GMT
Hi Sunnysky and welcome.  You are not alone in this as many of us are facing Christmas without one or more of our children. Hope you can find some comfort on here as we get through the so called happy festive season. |
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Post by oysterbabe on Dec 16, 2013 18:12:40 GMT
hello Sunnysky, lovely to have you here, it's warm and cosy on this board and I hope you will post lots now you are here. You have a lot of experience to share with old friends and new.
You just need Jmk to do you a lovely sunny avatar!
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Post by peartree on Dec 16, 2013 19:01:54 GMT
Hi sunny sky So pleased to see you Tricky time of year as ever We are hoping to have blossom for a good section of the day on Christmas this year Several years we haven't been able to, blossy moved from our home when she was 12 The only way we can do this is to have enough family there, keeping a very close eye It makes for a really tense time in many ways but we do have a good go because we want to be together If DS doesn't accept the mh issues exist can he agree things he will and will not do? Or meet up for very timed cuppa tea and cake at 4-5 ? Realise may well be impossible but it feels a huge pressure on you xx Welcome to the lovely boards group |
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Post by shadow on Dec 16, 2013 19:32:03 GMT
lovely to see you here SS - even if you are a bit bald -am sure JMK will make you an avatar soon
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Post by damson on Dec 16, 2013 21:02:08 GMT
I find it's the relentless obligation to be of good cheer for the Christmas season that's so hard to keep up. Such a shame that there isn't a special segment of Christmas for having a really purposeful row. Then at the end of the row,people genuinely apologise and can eat together. We will be running a tight ship like Peartree describes. DD will be home for a few days, and relatives will only be in on Christmas Day itself. One will be philosophical if there is an explosion, the other will be aggrieved. I will work on re-packaging any explosion as 'what a memorable day that was'. Meanwhile I vow not to accept any responsibility for other peoples' shortcomings  |
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Post by phoebe on Dec 16, 2013 21:02:10 GMT
You are not alone Sunny Sky, many of us will be without our children or in very odd circumstances with them We are hiding at a small cottage near the sea this year for Christmas, as DS cannot resist the pull of drugs, debauchery, low life . . .I never expected I'd be in this position with my little boy! He's just 14 and I'm having to work out how to do Christmas away from home, without a fuss, without him accessing drink or drugs, whilst still making it fun for DD. Oh, forgot, I can't have any cash at all on me in case he steals it, have to manage him so he doesn't kick off and damage the cottage, and take two kids, a dog an dall of christmas in a Ford Fiesta! Woohoo!
It's not what we planned, but we're doing our best to help some terribly damaged children.Hope you manage to have some good times over the festive season.x
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Post by justbserene11 on Dec 16, 2013 21:29:22 GMT
Hi! Glad you found the forum...I have found it so beneficial sending hugs xx |
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Post by larsti on Dec 17, 2013 17:05:10 GMT
hello Sunnysky I remember you from the old boards...welcome. |
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Post by lemonade on Dec 17, 2013 20:27:35 GMT
Welcome Sunnysky lovely to have you with us xxxxx
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enid
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Post by enid on Dec 18, 2013 0:20:43 GMT
hello, was so pleased to find it to. xx keep strong SS xx
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sunnysky
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Post by sunnysky on Dec 18, 2013 10:28:54 GMT
Hello everyone and thanks for taking the time to reply.
I have to remember what ds did as it was truly horrendous and we had years of abuse from him before it came to the actual assault but I also remember just how damaged he is. He cannot accept any responsibility for what happened and blames his dad - thinks we can just move on and forget what happened (obviously it's Christmas and he wants things) but his dad really can't move on and I have to support dh. The trouble is we currently have his brother at home with us (who, is doing really well at the moment) and that only makes things worse for our other son who feels even more aggrieved. Once the day itself is over I will feel better as I can't bear to think of him on his own but I really can't see I can do anything about it. I do see him to take him shopping and do his washing so he is not completely alone although I guess he feels he is. I am torn as the mum in me wants to help him but I also have to understand how dh feels don't I??? We have had years of abuse from our boys and I wonder when I will be able to get some rest from this pain and anguish.
xxThanks to you all for your lovely replies xxxx
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enid
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Post by enid on Dec 18, 2013 23:24:31 GMT
aww. SS so remember your story. mine was nearly similar, but somehow DS1, now 25, pulled himself back from the brink, and I don't has a DH to worry about also.
Your 2 boys have put you through hell. am so glad ds2 is now doing well. Christmas is just a day, but it seems like a week.......
This time next week will be over, nearly. keep posting and keep strong. xxxx
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Post by mayan on Dec 19, 2013 11:13:28 GMT
Glad to see you made it after all. Sending much love and strength - boot is on the other foot here as I am the one who insists on precautionary boundaries (so can understand your dh reticence) albeit ours is more now to emotionally protect dd and all of us including ds too I might add - on the basis it is better to have a fragment of positive relationship modelling amongst the complexities of our situation and to keep the door open (more in hope than expectation) than to try for normality whatever that passes for - and know that is really too much for ds to cope with (in our case this fluctuates so one never knows quite what to expect and this needs us to protect ourselves too but still be open to our ds - which takes considerable energy). It isn't easy and particularly at this time of year but for us if all our ds can manage is a phone call (which he did at the weekend) after months of being out of touch for no particular reason - then that's a fragment I will hold dearly. Assure your safety first and the stability of your other child and then see what can be achieved - even tiny positives count. Our dd had the relief of knowing the call meant he was alive still but without all the other stuff - albeit I know that he is still trying to toy with us all in the only way he can...as I said think tiny steps and take any positives where you can.
Hoping you have a peaceful Christmas despite all -
stay strong
mxx
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enid
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Single Adopter
Posts: 75
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Post by enid on Dec 19, 2013 20:10:02 GMT
You are not alone Sunny Sky, many of us will be without our children or in very odd circumstances with them We are hiding at a small cottage near the sea this year for Christmas, as DS cannot resist the pull of drugs, debauchery, low life . . .I never expected I'd be in this position with my little boy! He's just 14 and I'm having to work out how to do Christmas away from home, without a fuss, without him accessing drink or drugs, whilst still making it fun for DD. Oh, forgot, I can't have any cash at all on me in case he steals it, have to manage him so he doesn't kick off and damage the cottage, and take two kids, a dog an dall of christmas in a Ford Fiesta! Woohoo! It's not what we planned, but we're doing our best to help some terribly damaged children.Hope you manage to have some good times over the festive season.x Ouch. that does sound tough. sending love and support. x |
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Post by nancydanfan on Dec 21, 2013 8:13:14 GMT
Hi sunny sky glad you have found this place. I remember your name from AUK and am sorry to hear of how life has gone for you.
My situation is different to yours in that I have no contact with dd who has been on a section 20 for a year.ofcourse your son cannot live with you after allhe has done .Your poor husband is an innocent victim yet you still love your son. Our dd has not been physically violent to us but the damage she is doing is more subtle and devious and the emotional pain is intense.i love her still but love really hurts.
For me this year the pain comes from grappling with accommodating the feelings of my children who justifiably hate her,want all memory and mention of her erased. They are more deserving of my love and attention than dd is and I give all I can to be there emotionally for them.yet there is a secret place in my heart and mind where dd still lives on. I still love her but my children experience that as a betrayal of them and Ifeel guilt at loving someone who has caused such pain to those I love. Why after all the love,perseverance, time, therapeutic parenting etc has it come to this?
We are picking ourselves up from the pre Christmas family fallout. My husband is brilliant and gets my feelings. I do not imagine any relationship with dd in the future
I wish you a good time with those you can have a healthy time with. I wish you emotional breaks from the strain of loving that doesn't make it all ok. I hope your son can come to a place of realising he has problems and getting help and taking as much responsibility as he is able to
You will find great support here - I certainly have.
Take care, you're a great mum
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sunnysky
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Post by sunnysky on Dec 21, 2013 12:54:55 GMT
Thank you for more replies from my lovely friends. I'm sorry you are also having similar problems (if not the same) - it hurts doesn't it?
My son can barely care for himself but he cannot live with us (that much I know). I cannot have a full mum/son relationship with him because of what he has done (we have had years of abuse from him to be honest) yet I can't bear for him to be alone. I know he will be alone on Christmas Day but if I went round I know I would get abuse. He is a very complicated young man with mental health issues but that cannot excuse his behaviour towards us can it? He doesn't think he has a problem at all and everything is our fault. He feels extremely aggrieved by everything that has happened - not sorry just aggrieved. But I know deep down he just wants everything to be ok with us all - but I don't think it ever can be. He does have extreme anger issues but feels that keeps him safe rather than causes a problem for him. Clearly it does cause a problem for him or he'd be living at home with us - what he did to his dad was horrendous. How do I make myself feel better? I think about him all the time and wish there was something I could do to help him but I can't.
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Post by nancydanfan on Dec 21, 2013 13:58:35 GMT
I don't know how you make yourself feel better. I think there are days when you will feel s#@t and this time of year is really tough.
For me writing down my feelings helps,physical exercise,something funny, a good cry and accepting I can't make it all ok but I am not to blame.Its a fine line to tread appreciating the good in my life yet the deep deep sadness that it will never be what it could have been with dd.
My thoughts are with you and all that are struggling at this "happy merry " time.
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sunnysky
New Member
Married Adopter
Posts: 32
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Post by sunnysky on Dec 21, 2013 15:51:08 GMT
thankyou ndf - also thank you to whoever made me my lovely sunny picture - I promise to live up to my name soon (once Christmas is over I think) xxxxx |
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Post by aprilshowers on Jan 1, 2014 10:52:14 GMT
hello sunnysky glad you found this place, hope that Christmas day passed without too much drama and heartache for you.
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Post by rlmjam on Jan 1, 2014 11:30:48 GMT
hi there. I feel for you. we too are having problems with our AD who also has issues will not accept that there are problems and won't accept a youths therapy or help that we have fought to get for her. She toois aggressive and has assaulted me ( mother) and her two siblings on several occasions. Your can read my story in the thread ' aggressive teenagers' it certainly helps to talk to people who are going through similar experiences and to learn what you have done. We are begin into realise that we may have to let her go but it is not something I can give myself the strength to do. Nice to meet you here !
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