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Post by sivier on Nov 27, 2013 11:38:32 GMT
That is an absolutely fantastic post by Phoebe.
I could not agree more.
I think you can have clear, consistent boundaries in place but applied without a punitive approach (which can be very easy to slip into, my DH and I had a conversation about this last night and how when we are tired or exasperated we tend to quickly veer towards 'if you don't do this you won't get that' whereas for us a 'oooh if we can get this done then we'll be able to do that' approach works much better. I must remember this!).
I would strongly urge only part time school, if he has to start now, for at least up until after Christmas. Even if he seems to be doing well, he still needs that early bonding with you.
You are doing a very hard job, thrown in the deep end, all three of you. Just try if you can to remember how confused and terrified he must be. Hope you can catch up on sleep a bit!
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Post by donatella on Nov 27, 2013 12:20:51 GMT
Fantastic post phoebe. You said everything I wanted to say but far more eloquently.
Really do reconsider full time schooling at this time of year. My son 9, he's been here for more than 8 and a half years. This - so far - is the first Christmas that he hasn't struggled with.
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Post by lovehearts on Nov 27, 2013 20:23:58 GMT
Wow Phoebe, what a great post! And good luck Spideress and Mr spider.xx
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Post by phoebe on Nov 27, 2013 21:01:20 GMT
Thanks everyone for the compliments! If only I knew when my DS was 4 what I know now! Lol Thing is, it's such an intense and exhausting experience at the start that it's all you can do to breathe! Spideress, don't be harsh on yourself but please do learn from the mistakes that those of us further along the path have made! Give yourselves lots of time, as you would with a new born, and try every day to find joy in even the tiniest things. It sounds silly but what about having a notepad by your bed and every day write 3 positive things that have happened before you get your two hours of broken sleep? If Incy can tolerate it a hand or foot massage with some Sweet Almond Oil would be a great sensory experience too. Enjoy that gorgeous baby boy and remember you are human - just keep on doing your best, that's all any of us can do.xxx
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Post by spideress on Nov 27, 2013 22:33:33 GMT
That is an absolutely fantastic post by Phoebe. I could not agree more. I think you can have clear, consistent boundaries in place but applied without a punitive approach (which can be very easy to slip into, my DH and I had a conversation about this last night and how when we are tired or exasperated we tend to quickly veer towards 'if you don't do this you won't get that' whereas for us a 'oooh if we can get this done then we'll be able to do that' approach works much better. I must remember this!). I would strongly urge only part time school, if he has to start now, for at least up until after Christmas. Even if he seems to be doing well, he still needs that early bonding with you. You are doing a very hard job, thrown in the deep end, all three of you. Just try if you can to remember how confused and terrified he must be. Hope you can catch up on sleep a bit! The sleep/tired issue has been a bit less the past 2 or 3 days as we have been able to get him in soft play and he has made new friends and played with them which gave us a "break" to a degree which enables me to remain conscious after 8pm :-) Based on what I have read here I have arranged with his SW to get a meeting with the school at the end of next week to review the situation and decide if Incy is going to be OK with full time the week after or if it is best for him to carry on part time etc
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2013 11:09:22 GMT
Completely agree with everything Phoebe has said and if it were me I would not be sending Incy to school at all until the new year, but as I said that's just me.
He needs to spend time with you and Mr. Spider right now. The problem with school this time of year is the usual routine goes out the window. You have school nativity practises, Christmas carol concerts, Christmas patrties etc etc and the kids become completely hyped up as their "normal" more regulated routine is disrupted to encompas all the other festive activities and to throw Incy into this fun/chaos could do more harm than good IMO. He needs consistant routine and calm and repetative activity at the moment to show him that he is safe and so that he knows what is happening next. Too much going on will confuse him and cause him anxiety.
This is one of the reasons SW don't like placing children around Christmas time, and just because they placed Incy a couple of weeks before doesn't mean he will cope with it all and take it in his stride. I would urge caution and keep him close, doing quieter things with mum and dad.
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enid
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Single Adopter
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Post by enid on Nov 28, 2013 22:31:14 GMT
Pheobe.go to the top of the class. x
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Post by esty (archive) on Nov 30, 2013 9:09:57 GMT
Phoebe 67 - what a brilliant reply. I am going to stick this somewhere and refer back to it every time I am gritting my teeth and feeling uncharitable thoughts just to remind me how I should be. Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2013 14:11:15 GMT
I have copied Phoebe's reply and posted it in the "Intro's and Beyond" thread as I couldn't let such fab advice go to waste and think that other adopters of school age children would benefit from reading it before their children come home - Thanks Phoebe
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Post by greyspeckledhen on Dec 3, 2013 20:35:30 GMT
Just joining in the 'be cautious about school' conversation! Schools can be SO chaotic in the run up to christmas and routine goes out the window on some days. I'd save full time school till after christmas for everyone's sanity, although I can see that a bit of school would be helpful for you to be able to recharge. Hope it goes really well, whatever you decide. xx
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Post by spideress on Jan 29, 2014 10:59:01 GMT
He ended up going to school part time for a week at the start of December 2013 and settled very well so went full time thereafter. He seems to be a popular lad and has one "main" friend who we have had here for a play-date and we have let Incy go to his house once for a play date. We expect to schedule one "play-date" a month for them though at present I am picking his friend up and taking him to and from school every day anyway as his mum is poorly.
Mr Spider has done an *immense* amount of work with Incy over the past weeks. We ensure Mr Spider has 2-3 hours alone with Incy on a Sat morning and an hour alone with him on a Sun morning (I stay in the bedroom and either sleep in a bit or do some computer stuff) which has ensured that Incy has been able to see what a fun dad Mr Spider is. For a while it completely turned Incy around and he became more "daddy" than "mummy" but then last night (seemingly out of the blue) he told Mr Spider he hopes his bones all rot away and he dies and he goes away for ever (or words to that effect). Incy has been poorly for 2 or 3 days but is much better now. He is *way* behind from an education point of view and the agency are backing down on giving him the cognitive assessment they promised but I am chasing that up so that school can target his needs better.
He has been starting to do some major "regression" stuff which started before Christmas and recently resulted in him wetting himself at school as he was "playing baby", I am not sure how long his "regression" will last for but he has been told that it is OK to do with with us in the house but not OK to do it at school etc
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Post by esty (archive) on Jan 29, 2014 11:28:02 GMT
Sounds like you are managing and that life is starting to become a bit more predictable for you all. I'm almost two years in and just starting to see real relaxation and belief that here is his future. Keep posting. Esty
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Post by sooz on Jan 29, 2014 13:57:35 GMT
Lovely to get an update. Hope you are well xx
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Post by moo on Jan 30, 2014 19:31:13 GMT
Been thinking of you all lots....
So delighted to read your update.... Well done Mr Spider......great for mummy to get a time out too perfect planning ......well done that daddy.....
Wonderful to have made a main friend so fast that really is great for Incy ..... You sound so settled & relaxed it's great to read....
Do post more if you get time....
Xx. moo. Xxx
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Post by spideress on Jan 30, 2014 20:19:44 GMT
I saw the "mental health" woman from the agency today. She feels that Incy is doing really well and although he comes out with the odd rejecting statement to Mr Spider that is probably pretty normal and is partly to test Mr Spider and partly to push him away before he leaves anyway etc. She said she can see from the mother care professional photos that Incy is evidently thriving and all we need to do is continue with the therapeutic parenting (at lot of which we do naturally/by accident anyway) and just give it lots of time. Concentrate on the emotional needs as priority and let educational need be secondary to that. She said it was a good sign he was regressing as it shows his is prepared to be open enough with you to allow you to meet that need and also good he was poorly the last few days as many children with the type of history he has just "will not be ill" or "will not allow themselves to be ill" as they have to try to keep themselves self-sufficient but the fact Incy "got ill" and let us pamper and nurture him etc in itself shows a level of trust he is allowing us to access.
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Post by knight on Jan 30, 2014 20:50:04 GMT
Ahh, that sounds really good ~ he's coming on, isn't he?!! x
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Post by spideress on Jan 30, 2014 21:40:46 GMT
Ahh, that sounds really good ~ he's coming on, isn't he?!! x yes :-)
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Post by moo on Jan 31, 2014 3:51:25 GMT
Shes's right but if therepy was in your support package insist & keep insisting to get it.... This is a fob off to save budget....
I get / got all the time 'oh fantastic therapeutic parent that is all it takes ' rubbbish it is just saving on their funds.... Don't let them get away with it.... Hold off applying for the order until you get it.... Tell the IRO at your reviews he will push for it.... Don't be pushed around..... You have the power & your weapon is the A.O....... It is vital for Incy & you all that he gets any therepy's promised.... Sadly this pattern is all too common promised & then rug pulled all coz they want to save funds!!!! That said things are sounding great & you are obviously doing a brill job?...
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by spideress on Jan 31, 2014 9:23:02 GMT
There was nothing in his "support package" other than "you can call on us for help if you need it". The only thing that the agency seems to have promised since is the cognitive assessment to help him educationally but now it is in question as to if they can even do such an assessment. I will be pushing for that at the IRO though. The school can pay for one via his extra funding but it would take up a third of his "pot of money" so they would prefer not to have to "use" it on such a thing if the agency can provide it.
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Post by moo on Jan 31, 2014 11:58:20 GMT
Yeh ok spideress that figures!!
Too right school won't want to use his fund for assessments the placing la should cover....
Iro will be behind you 100%.... Good Luck With It....
So pleased everything sounds so good for you all Happy Happy Days....
Xx. moo. Xx
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Post by littlemisscheerful on Jan 31, 2014 13:10:31 GMT
I recently found out from our PA dept that they have access to LAC Ed Pysch - although we did get EP assessments done, it took a very long time, and we had a high turnover of staff (I met 4 different EPs in 3 yrs). I think had I known that this was available through PA, I would've tried that route.
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